“God gives ‘special kids’ to special parents.” You’ve probably heard the statement. You may have even said it yourself. It’s one that is pretty common. I don’t know if I’ve ever actually verbalized it myself, but I did assume it was true once upon a time. However, I now see that it is simply not the case.
I understand that people mean well when they say it. I’ve done my best to be gracious and thankful to those who have said it to me since my son’s birth. I understand it is intended to be a compliment of sorts. People are just trying to be encouraging. But I don’t think that it’s particularly helpful for anyone.
My wife and I will be the first to admit that we are not part of some exceptional brand of humanity. We get stressed out about caring for our little guy sometimes. We get tired. We become impatient. I can assure you, we are just like any other parents.
Sure, they’re called “special needs” because they are not the same things that every child will face. Our son currently sees 4 different therapists each week. He is 16 months old and just last week sat up unassisted for the first time (and we celebrated that accomplishment big time). That milestone came after many months of working with a therapist. He is still learning to feed himself. He does not crawl quite yet. I would be lying if I said that all of this is not overwhelming at times.
And I suppose that some people watching us see how much we love our son, and how much we seek the best care for him. They may take notice of how much time and effort we invest into seeing him succeed. Their observations may lead them to view us as truly special indeed. The problem is that if you removed from the equation that our son has Down syndrome and were looking at the parents of a typical baby, you would absolutely expect to see people who love their child, seek that child’s best care, and who put time and effort into seeing that child succeed. And if parents of that typical child did not exhibit those characteristics, they would be viewed as bad, selfish parents.
So then, what makes us so special?
We’re just doing what all parents naturally do. When you meet your child, you fall in love. And it’s that unconditional kind of love. When you fall in love with your child, you do what you must to take care of them. Some things are easier than others, but you endure because of the one for whom you are doing those things. It doesn’t make you special. It makes you a parent. It’s a job that anyone can do regardless of what life with our little ones may look like. Kids with special needs are just like kids without them. Little humans who will be naturally loved by their parents. And when those parents fall in love, they step up to do the things that the little one will need for them to do.
Anyone can be a parent to a child with special needs. They only need to have love in their hearts.
This cliché is dangerous because it leads not so special people to think that they are inadequate to care for their “special” little ones. Believe me, you can do it.
If you just found out that your baby will have a disability, don’t assume you can’t take care of them. Don’t be scared. Don’t think for a minute that you won’t like being their parent. I can assure you that you will love that child more than you ever imagined possible. No one is better equipped to nurture that baby than you, because no one will love that baby as much as you will.*
God doesn’t give special children to special parents. He gives children (regardless of their needs) to imperfect, ill-equipped people who slowly learn how to apply their love to the raising of their children.
So please don’t call me special, because I don’t call you that either. Neither of us are.
We are parents. A special job, to be sure. But a job for ordinary people nonetheless.
*Sometimes, that unconditional love that a parent has for their child may lead them to selflessly recognize that they are not the person who is able to care for him or her. In those cases, adoption is a wonderfully miraculous thing. There are also those tragic situations in which a biological parent fails to love their child selflessly and they are forced to give them away (or they abandon them altogether). In both cases, such children come into the care of other parents who unconditionally love them as their own. Praise God for adoption. And praise God for those people who bring children into their families as their sons and daughters. Christians view it as a beautiful picture of what God has done for His children through Christ (Ephesians 1:3-6).
4 thoughts on “Children With Disabilities Don’t Make Parents Special”
Eye opener Adam…never thought about it this way!
This is great. I couldn’t agree with you more. People tell my wife and I, “You’re daughter is so lucky to have you as her parents”. We always tell them that we are the lucky ones. Raising our son(the oldest) has not been so different than raising our daughter. She has therapy and a few more doctors appointments but that’s pretty much it. I like what you’re doing. Keep it up!
Hi, Adam. Your piece resonates with Stacy and me. Our daughter was 24 when she passed away from complications a fetal isotretinoin embryopathy. We cared for her at hone her whole life.
What the comment you mentioned boils down to is that well meaning people don’t really understand that we live in a world that is fallen and messed up because of us. The bad we experience is the consequence of sin and not the intentional will of a good God to hurt us.
It is similar to the comment “God is in control,” but the fact is, we have a will and on a personal level, he is not in control until we relinquish ours.
Even then we may have to go through done bad things to teach the blessing he intends. That has become obvious from my 61 years.
Anyway, it might help you to read our story..,Laura’s story.